Moments Well Spent

Last week I heard my Mom fiddling with something in the corner of her room so I went in to see if she needed assistance. She was trying to reconnect her TV, so I asked, “Mom, why did you disconnect the TV?” Frustrated she said, “I don’t know who disconnected it.” I replied, “Well, you’re the only one who is in this room.” She then sadly looked at me and stated, “Since turning 40 years old, I can’t do anything right anymore.” First, I had to stop myself from chuckling because how is it that she’s now twenty-four years younger than me? Then the kicker was what she said next, “I wish that my children were here with me.” Now, I simply wanted to cry. Instead, I reconnected her television, turned to her favorite show and then gently kissed her forehead while saying, “That’s okay, you have me here.” She then smiled and said, “Girl I’m certainly glad of that!”

I recently read an inspiring quote that touched my heart, “We only get so many moments in our lifetime, and we can't relive a single one." I never want to look back over my life and have regrets. Therefore, I decided to do things with my Mom now that will create more good memories with her while I can still do so.

Knowing that my Mom enjoys music just as I do, I asked her if she wanted to watch one of my favorite television shows.  When I told her that I would sit and watch it with her. She gladly agreed. Not surprisingly she asked several times “What’s the name of this show?” I turned to the channel and showed her, and then she would state, “I’ve never seen this before.” I periodically asked if she was enjoying it and she said that she was. She laughed and even sang along with the contestants a few times. It was a very pleasant experience for both of us.

The next night I asked her if she wanted to watch the show again with me and she said yes. I gladly turned to the channel and sat back to enjoy the episode. Well, after the fifth time of her asking, “What’s the name of this show?” and “I’ve never seen this show before.” I began to question if this was going to work. You see, this was usually my time to sit back and be entertained without interruptions. But instead, I took a deep breath and politely answered her questions and described what was happening in the show. She began to laugh again and really took delight in the episode. Afterwards, when I was preparing to leave the room, she said “Thank you for spending the evening with me.” That was more than I could ever ask for because sweet memories are woven from good times. Even if those memories are just mine,  she knew that I spent precious time with her.

Learning Never Stops

I enjoy organizing, researching and fact-finding while planning events, trips, and in fact basically everything that I know will affect my life. So, it was no different when preparing to become my mother’s permanent caregiver. However, there are plenty of things that I still had to learn along the way and am still discovering because caring for someone who has dementia or needs memory care management is unique to each person. So, to help other caregivers, here are a few tips and lessons that I find valuable to making my life a little easier..

SOME LESSONS I LEARNED

·        Never argue. Dementia leaves a patient with little age-appropriate reasoning ability.

·        Rather than argue, distract. Point out something that takes your loved one’s mind away from the present situation.

·        White lies are okay. Make it easy on yourself.

·        Monitor your voice and facial expression. A cheerful voice and countenance, even if you are angry, results in a positive response.

·        Avoid the word “remember.” Instead, relate an incident or look at a photograph and see if a memory is triggered.

·        If you don’t understand what your loved one is saying, pick one word you do understand and word your question using that word.

·        Maintain normalcy as much as possible. Change may cause irritation and frustration for your loved one.

·        Get a professional, like the doctor or DMV, to deliver hard communications. Such as telling your loved one that they must stop driving.

·        Take over the finances before a disaster occurs.

·        Get help. Hire in-home care, even if only for a few hours, to relieve yourself of 24/7 care. Then do something you enjoy.

·        Join a support group. It is essential to your wellbeing.

SOME IMPORTANT TIPS

      ·       Child-lock cabinet that holds cleaning products and medicines.

·       Danger-proof the room to minimize possible hazards such as removing liquid perfumes and fingernail polish remover. I discovered the importance of this when I walked into the room and found my Mom rubbing her hands and telling me that it’s lotion, but my nose and the bottle told me differently… it was fingernail polish remover. So, I quickly removed all liquids from her room. I placed in the bathroom a bottle of lotion with a pump and she has a small jar of Vaseline in her nightstand drawer per her request.

·       Use a pop-up cap on the tube of toothpaste. This can be washed and reused with each new tube. This will prevent the small twist-off cap that the tube comes with from getting lost, dropping on the floor or worse falling in the toilet.

·       Keep incontinence products in an easily accessible location in the bathroom for your loved one to maintain their dignity.

·        Provide your loved one with picture instructions to follow on how to use the remote, cell phone, etc.

·       In your loved one’s bedroom hang pictures of close family members and friends.

·       Purchase a mood lamp if your loved one experiences weather-related mood changes. My Mom says, “it’s scary” whenever it’s cloudy outside.

·       Keep available and ready for the “asking” any items that your loved one frequently uses. My Mom will eventually ask me for a box of facial tissues, room deodorizer, mints, cough drops, or Vaseline, so I just go in my stash drawer and quickly present her with her request and everyone is happy.

Accepting Her Reality

 

"Is It Dreary or Sunny?"

As the caregiver, my question is what will this do to my reality over time? I'm afraid that if I crawl into her head, I'll get lost and not find my way back to my own reality.  Like, how do I accept her reality that people are living upstairs over her apartment, when we actually live in a one floor ranch house? How do I accept that although the weather is actually sunny she needs the window blinds closed because the weather is dreadful. How do I accept that I have to be the one to always turn on her bedroom lights and close her bedroom blinds, or move her meal tray even though she gets up several times during the day and at night to go to the bathroom and scampers into the kitchen to find something to nibble on? Am I missing something here?

My greatest fear is that if I start accepting her reality, I'll end up living in it as well. Before you know it I'll be shipped off to the looney bin strapped in a straight jacket long before she ever gets there! 

Angelo and I used to joke about what the other should do if one of us turns senile. "When I go senile just play the same episode of my favorite TV show day and night. I won't know the difference." We would laugh, then add, "When I go senile just play the same R&B song all day long. I'll be happy and that's all that matters." "When I go senile serve the same meal every day, all day and I'll say, '"Ooh look! Something new!"' And lap it up like I never had it before."

Now that we are caregivers we realize nothing could be further from the truth. Mom likes to mix it up. She quickly tires of certain things repeated daily. Like the same fruit cup, or the same dinner meat, or the same fruit juice, or even the same TV show episode.

However, she does keep the same routine. She likes to rise early, watch TV at 8 AM, eat at 10 AM. Her food needs to be cooked to her liking and she retires at precisely 11 PM.  Some days she's the child and on other days she is the picky and critical parent. She argues if there is any deviation from the norm as she sees it on that given day. 

I guess it's true, if you accept their reality by not arguing with them each time they fail to adjust to your own reality, there will be a lot less dementia drama, frustration, and resentment from forgetting. I'll keep working on it. Someone once said, "The burden of adjustment falls on the one who can bear the burden of adjusting." I guess for now, until it's my children's turn to accept my reality, the burden falls on me to accept my Mom's reality.

Keywords: weather humor, loosing ones mind. accepting reality, frustration and resentment, forgetting, senile senility, aging humor, care for an older family member, dealing with memory loss, stories about dealing with dementia

Hashtags:#aginghumor, #caringforanolderfamilymember, #dealingwithmemoryloss, #storiesaboutdealingwithdementia

My Adventures as Mom's Caregiver - New Beginnings

"A Caregivers Beginning"

“Family” ---when I hear that word it still makes me feel warm and fuzzy. My story starts after my premature birth as Mom stroked and held my tiny hand in the incubator every day at the hospital for two months until she was able to bring me home. She swaddled, cuddled, nurtured, fed, cared, comforted, and taught me with abiding love.

My childhood is filled with precious memories of bursting outdoors to play with friends, stepping over my brother's Matchbox car sets and laughing over board games, playing with jacks, bat and ball sets, dolls, going to the movies, and frequenting concerts. As a family of loving parents and three children, the eldest being me, we also enjoyed numerous fun family gatherings and trips. My father was from North Carolina, the son of a Baptist Preacher and the youngest of twelve. He was a charismatic fun-loving man who retired from being a juice distributor for over five decades. He enjoyed traveling, fishing and entertaining his family and friends. He taught my brother, Lamar, important life lessons and how to be a man. Their bond became a deep and lasting friendship. Although at the end, Dad lived with Alzheimer's disease, he was frequently heard saying, "life don't owe me no change because I lived a long, happy, and satisfying life with no regrets."

Born in South Carolina, my Mom was the youngest of eight. After graduating from high school she moved from her family's farm in the country to the Big Apple, New York City, under the care of an older relative. Mom is sweet, charming, a devout church goer and was a proud hard working woman until her retirement. By her example of dress, grooming, and public decorum she taught me and my sister, Renee, the true essence of being a lady. She managed her household and finances so well that I aspire to follow suit. 

Due to the onset of dementia my siblings and I met to discuss our mother's ongoing care. Fortunately, prior to this need we held a family meeting with our Mother to discuss in detail her living will, medical directive, end of life preferences, and to set up her legal power of attorney. Because I am retired and have the circumstances to accommodate our Mom, my husband and I are her personal caregivers. We're talking about family here and you only have one mother. She's the same woman who carried me in her womb for seven months until my premature birth. Mom's daily routine of reading the Bible and hearing her frequent prayers awakened my spirituality. It's only proper to do whatever is necessary to make her comfortable and happy, especially now when she needs me most. This is my way of continuing to demonstrate the respect and honor that she deserves. However, when the roles are  reversed, it can get emotionally exhausting. We’ve all heard of the saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Well, when writing this blog that is mainly my intention to keep a positive twist on life. You know, looking at the glass as being half full even though at times it's half full of nuts!

Keywords: humorous story about aging, stories about dealing with dementia, life growing up, funny tails about retirement, funny journals about caregiving, the funny side of getting older, taking care of an older family member, aging comedy

Hashtags: #aginghumor, #dealingwithdementia, #lifegrowingup, #funnytalesaboutretirement, #funnyjournalsaboutcaregiving, #thefunnysideofgettingolder, #takingcareofanolderfamilymember, #agingcomedy, #talesofacaregiver