Moments Well Spent

Last week I heard my Mom fiddling with something in the corner of her room, so I went in to see if she needed assistance. She was trying to reconnect her TV, so I asked, “Mom, why did you disconnect the TV?” Frustrated, she said, “I don’t know who disconnected it.” I replied, “Well, you’re the only one who's in this room.” She then sadly looked at me and stated, “Since turning 40 years old, I can’t do anything right anymore.” First, I had to stop myself from chuckling because how is it that she’s now twenty-four years younger than me? Then the kicker was what she said next: “I wish that my children were here with me.” Now, I simply wanted to cry. Instead, I reconnected her television, turned to her favorite show, and then gently kissed her forehead while saying, “That’s okay, you have me here.” She then smiled and said, “Girl, I’m certainly glad of that!”

I recently read an inspiring quote that touched my heart: “We only get so many moments in our lifetime, and we can't relive a single one." I never want to look back over my life and have regrets. Therefore, I decided to do things with my Mom now that will create more good memories with her while I can still do so.

Knowing that my Mom enjoys music just as I do, I asked her if she wanted to watch one of my favorite television shows.  When I told her that I would sit and watch it with her. She gladly agreed. Not surprisingly, she asked several times, “What’s the name of this show?” I turned to the channel and showed her, and then she would state, “I’ve never seen this before.” I periodically asked if she was enjoying it, and she said that she was. She laughed and even sang along with the contestants a few times. It was a very pleasant experience for both of us.

The next night I asked her if she wanted to watch the show again with me, and she said yes. I gladly turned to the channel and sat back to enjoy the episode. Well, after the fifth time of her asking, “What’s the name of this show?” and “I’ve never seen this show before.” I began to question if this was going to work. You see, this was usually my time to sit back and be entertained without interruptions. But instead, I took a deep breath and politely answered her questions repeatedly and described what was happening in the show. She began to laugh again and really enjoyed the episode. 

Afterwards, when I was preparing to leave the room, she said: “Thank you for spending the evening with me.” That was more than I could ever ask for because sweet memories are woven from good times. Even if those memories are just mine.

Learning Never Stops

I have always been a planner. Whether it is organizing a complex itinerary, diving deep into research, or meticulously mapping out an event, I thrive on details and fact-finding. But nothing in my life could have fully prepared me for the role of becoming my mother’s permanent caregiver after her dementia diagnosis.

I quickly learned that caring for someone with dementia is a journey without a standard roadmap; it is entirely unique to the individual. Along the way, I have stumbled, learned, and adapted. 

To help other caregivers navigating this challenging path, I have gathered the most valuable lessons and practical strategies that have brought peace, safety, and even a bit of joy back into our daily lives.

Heart-to-Heart: Lessons in Connection and Patience

Trade arguments for peace. Dementia gradually strips away age-appropriate reasoning. Arguing with your loved one will only cause distress for both of you.
Master the art of distraction. When tension rises or a fixation becomes unhealthy, gently pivot. Point out something outside the window, change the room, or start a new activity to guide their mind away from the trigger.
Embrace therapeutic fibs. White lies are acts of kindness here when it eases tension. If a small untruth prevents panic or heartbreak, give yourself permission to use it.
Guard your tone and expression. People with dementia are highly sensitive to emotional energy. Even if you are feeling frustrated inside, maintaining a cheerful voice and a calm face will almost always mirror back a positive response.
Retire the word “remember.” Asking them to remember can highlight their cognitive gaps and cause anxiety. Instead, simply share the memory yourself or look at a photograph together to see if a spark naturally ignites.
Decode their language. If they are struggling to express a thought, listen for a single recognizable word. Use that word to gently anchor your follow-up question and help them finish the thought.
Anchor them in routine. Maintain normalcy as much as possible. Drastic changes to schedules or environments can spark deep irritation and confusion.
Let outsiders deliver the hard truths. When it is time to deliver painful news—like taking away the car keys—let a doctor or the DMV be the "bad guy." This protects your relationship from resentment.
Take control of finances early. Step in and manage their financial affairs before a mistake or a disaster occurs.
Secure your own oxygen mask. You cannot provide 24/7 care alone. Hire in-home help, even if only for a few hours a week, and use that time to do something that truly fulfills you.
Find your tribe. Joining a support group is not a luxury; it is essential for your mental and emotional well-being.

Safe and Seamless: Practical Tips for the Home

Secure the hazards. Child-lock any cabinets containing cleaning products or medications.
Purge hidden dangers. I learned this the hard way when I walked into my mother’s room and found her rubbing her hands together, insisting it was lotion. My nose and the bottle told a different story—it was fingernail polish remover. Now, all liquid hazards are completely removed from her room. In their place, she has a large pump bottle of actual lotion in the bathroom and a small jar of Vaseline in her nightstand drawer, which keeps her happy and safe.
Swap the toothpaste caps. Replace standard twist-off toothpaste caps with a wash-and-reuse pop-up cap. This prevents tiny caps from rolling onto the floor, getting lost, or worse, dropped down the toilet.
Preserve their dignity. Keep incontinence products in an easily accessible, discreet location in the bathroom so they can manage their needs independently for as long as possible.
Create visual cheat sheets. Leave simple, picture-based instructions next to the television remote, the cell phone, and other everyday gadgets.
Surround them with familiar faces. Hang clear, bright photographs of close family members and friends directly in their bedroom to provide comfort and continuous recognition.
Chase away the gray days. If your loved one experiences weather-related mood changes, invest in a mood or SAD lamp. Whenever it gets cloudy outside, my mother used to tell me, "It's scary." Bringing simulated sunlight into the room completely changed her demeanor.
Anticipate their routine requests. Create a "stash drawer" of items they frequently ask for—facial tissues, room deodorizer, mints, cough drops, or Vaseline. Having these ready the moment they ask keeps the day moving smoothly and keeps everyone happy.