SWEET MEMORIES

 

Living with memory impairment can be very daunting and frustrating for the person experiencing memory loss. I watch my Mom navigate through the course of each week as she is unable to keep up with what day of the week it is and the dates. Each morning she relies on the readings from the clock and calendar on her cell phone and still she will ask me "what day is it?"  However, I am grateful that some of her memories have no space or time. 

Some of her very good memories are of  long drives with her long-time friend. She excitedly looked forward to their Sunday drives. She would be so excited, just as a child awaiting a class field trip! They would go out each Sunday afternoon and return home late in the evening after traveling across town or interstate to the Ocean front or to DC, VA or PA. She would recall times of laughter, the music they would sing together or quietly enjoy listening to, she would recount their discussions, and how they stopped to dine at a local restaurant for dinner. She would talk about those outings the entire week afterward. 

So now whenever she feels a little down she looks through the rearview mirror of her mind and remembers that she and her friend went out "last" Sunday for their weekly drive. She animatedly relates where they went and what they did. Now, whenever she speaks to her sister on the phone she would proudly say, "Oh yes, girl, we went out on Sunday and drove all around." Although it may have literally been many months, weeks, and days since she has gone out on  that  "Sunday" drive. Yet in her mind, it was just a few days ago. Far be it for me to change that reality. It warms my heart to know that her precious memories are not so distant... despite the disease!

Moments Well Spent

Last week I heard my Mom fiddling with something in the corner of her room so I went in to see if she needed assistance. She was trying to reconnect her TV, so I asked, “Mom, why did you disconnect the TV?” Frustrated she said, “I don’t know who disconnected it.” I replied, “Well, you’re the only one who is in this room.” She then sadly looked at me and stated, “Since turning 40 years old, I can’t do anything right anymore.” First, I had to stop myself from chuckling because how is it that she’s now twenty-four years younger than me? Then the kicker was what she said next, “I wish that my children were here with me.” Now, I simply wanted to cry. Instead, I reconnected her television, turned to her favorite show and then gently kissed her forehead while saying, “That’s okay, you have me here.” She then smiled and said, “Girl I’m certainly glad of that!”

I recently read an inspiring quote that touched my heart, “We only get so many moments in our lifetime, and we can't relive a single one." I never want to look back over my life and have regrets. Therefore, I decided to do things with my Mom now that will create more good memories with her while I can still do so.

Knowing that my Mom enjoys music just as I do, I asked her if she wanted to watch one of my favorite television shows.  When I told her that I would sit and watch it with her. She gladly agreed. Not surprisingly she asked several times “What’s the name of this show?” I turned to the channel and showed her, and then she would state, “I’ve never seen this before.” I periodically asked if she was enjoying it and she said that she was. She laughed and even sang along with the contestants a few times. It was a very pleasant experience for both of us.

The next night I asked her if she wanted to watch the show again with me and she said yes. I gladly turned to the channel and sat back to enjoy the episode. Well, after the fifth time of her asking, “What’s the name of this show?” and “I’ve never seen this show before.” I began to question if this was going to work. You see, this was usually my time to sit back and be entertained without interruptions. But instead, I took a deep breath and politely answered her questions and described what was happening in the show. She began to laugh again and really took delight in the episode. Afterwards, when I was preparing to leave the room, she said “Thank you for spending the evening with me.” That was more than I could ever ask for because sweet memories are woven from good times. Even if those memories are just mine,  she knew that I spent precious time with her.

Learning Never Stops

I enjoy organizing, researching and fact-finding while planning events, trips, and in fact basically everything that I know will affect my life. So, it was no different when preparing to become my mother’s permanent caregiver. However, there are plenty of things that I still had to learn along the way and am still discovering because caring for someone who has dementia or needs memory care management is unique to each person. So, to help other caregivers, here are a few tips and lessons that I find valuable to making my life a little easier..

SOME LESSONS I LEARNED

·        Never argue. Dementia leaves a patient with little age-appropriate reasoning ability.

·        Rather than argue, distract. Point out something that takes your loved one’s mind away from the present situation.

·        White lies are okay. Make it easy on yourself.

·        Monitor your voice and facial expression. A cheerful voice and countenance, even if you are angry, results in a positive response.

·        Avoid the word “remember.” Instead, relate an incident or look at a photograph and see if a memory is triggered.

·        If you don’t understand what your loved one is saying, pick one word you do understand and word your question using that word.

·        Maintain normalcy as much as possible. Change may cause irritation and frustration for your loved one.

·        Get a professional, like the doctor or DMV, to deliver hard communications. Such as telling your loved one that they must stop driving.

·        Take over the finances before a disaster occurs.

·        Get help. Hire in-home care, even if only for a few hours, to relieve yourself of 24/7 care. Then do something you enjoy.

·        Join a support group. It is essential to your wellbeing.

SOME IMPORTANT TIPS

      ·       Child-lock cabinet that holds cleaning products and medicines.

·       Danger-proof the room to minimize possible hazards such as removing liquid perfumes and fingernail polish remover. I discovered the importance of this when I walked into the room and found my Mom rubbing her hands and telling me that it’s lotion, but my nose and the bottle told me differently… it was fingernail polish remover. So, I quickly removed all liquids from her room. I placed in the bathroom a bottle of lotion with a pump and she has a small jar of Vaseline in her nightstand drawer per her request.

·       Use a pop-up cap on the tube of toothpaste. This can be washed and reused with each new tube. This will prevent the small twist-off cap that the tube comes with from getting lost, dropping on the floor or worse falling in the toilet.

·       Keep incontinence products in an easily accessible location in the bathroom for your loved one to maintain their dignity.

·        Provide your loved one with picture instructions to follow on how to use the remote, cell phone, etc.

·       In your loved one’s bedroom hang pictures of close family members and friends.

·       Purchase a mood lamp if your loved one experiences weather-related mood changes. My Mom says, “it’s scary” whenever it’s cloudy outside.

·       Keep available and ready for the “asking” any items that your loved one frequently uses. My Mom will eventually ask me for a box of facial tissues, room deodorizer, mints, cough drops, or Vaseline, so I just go in my stash drawer and quickly present her with her request and everyone is happy.

What Day Is this?

 

I woke up to a beautiful blustery sunny day. After being sick for the better part of the entire week, it was great to hear the birds singing outside of my bedroom window and to see the sun fully shining brightly. I did a mental check of how I was feeling: No fever…. Check, no headache…. Check, no stomach ache…. Check, No lower back ache…. Well, maybe a little, but nothing a little ibuprofen won’t help relieve. So, surmising that I am feeling much better, I get up to my usual routine. Thanks to Angelo, while I was down the last few days, he stepped right up and made sure that both Mom and I were well cared for.

After breakfast and making certain that everyone’s needs were taken care of, I decided to run my usual Wednesday errands. I noticed that I didn’t have my usual spunk in my step. In between running into different stores, I had to sit in the car to regain my energy. By my third stop, I realized that my stamina was depleted and that I needed to narrow down my errands to just one more venture and head back home.

While driving home, at a red light I began to make a mental note of what I had on my schedule for the next day when suddenly I realized that this day was in fact Thursday, not Wednesday… OH NO! I totally missed an important appointment that I needed to attend on Thursday… today.

Now, as a caregiver of a parent with dementia, I often question, is this the beginning for me? Honestly, I’m not being paranoid. You see, my father also lived with Alzheimer’s disease, as well as his mother and two of his sisters. So,, cognitive disorder is not uncommon in my bloodline. Therefore, the concern is real!

Tell me, do you too question if you’re losing your memory or have the potential of having Alzheimer’s disease when you can’t remember something that you know you know? Or when you can’t find those keys, or your phone, or that shirt that should be in that certain place?

After giving it much deliberation, I realized that my week was thrown off because of being ill and sleeping most of the days earlier in the week to recover. So, once again I gave myself some grace and carried myself to bed for a nap once I got home.

Good news! I didn’t have to ask later, “What day is this?”

Keywords: weather humor, loosing ones mind. accepting reality, frustration and resentment, forgetting, senile senility, aging humor, care for an older family member, dealing with memory loss, stories about dealing with dementia

Hashtags:#aginghumor, #caringforanolderfamilymember, #dealingwithmemoryloss, #storiesaboutdealingwithdementia

You Got This Girl!

"Stop making all that noise up there!" Mom yells while banging on the wall. I quickly run into the room gasping, "Mom, what's wrong? Who are you screaming at?" "Those people upstairs are so noisy." she replies frantic and frustrated. Mom that's Angelo. He's just opening the garage to get the gardening tools out." "No! That's not Angelo. It's those noisy people in the building. The ones living upstairs over my apartment!" "Mom, there is nothing upstairs but a roof. There is no upstairs." Suddenly I remember that we do have an attic and some attics have drop-down steps. I'm really not sure if the attic of this ranch style home has steps because I'm too afraid to venture up there to see if there are drop-down steps. What am I thinking? By this time my own thoughts are confusing me. 

Looks like she's finally did it people. She finally got to me. I'm second guessing my own reality. I feel like I just got infected with a dipsey daft virus and if I stay in her room any longer I will start showing the full symptoms of lunacy.  I can see the signs on the wall. "Welcome To The Insane Asylum For Seniors." "Straight jackets are free - Drop your clothes off at the door." "Stay calm, someone will be with you shortly."

Very slowly I step backward out of her apartment, uh... bedroom. As  I step into the hallway, I start feeling dizzy.  I look for the first chair I can to sit down on and start trying to pull myself together. I remember seeing a video on how to calm down...

• Start by deep breathing slowly in and out while counting from one to ten 
• Gently pat your chest while counting. 
• Focus on your senses.

After taking a few deep breaths I soon start to realize I'm not insane. At least not yet. This was just a mild panic attack. The first I've had since my Mom moved in. I know it won't be the last. At least they won't be carting me off to the looney bin today.

I hear my inner voice say, "You're doing fine. Just take good care of her during the few golden years she has left and a big blessings will pour down from heaven somewhere down the line. You can do this. You're in control! You got this girl!"  As I close my eyes and think of the gentle swell of ocean waves coming from the horizon of a beautiful sunset, I feel a calmness come over me. I got this. All is well. 

The Uncontrollable Remote Control

Mom will go to great lengths to do absolutely nothing. For example,  3 or more times a day while laying on her bed and enjoying her TV shows she accidentally changes the channel or hits the power button and turns off the TV. She surmises that she did not do anything wrong. It's the remote control's fault. The remote has run amuck and it needs to be caught and disciplined! So after fiddling with it in order to make it work herself but then failing she quickly gets out of the bed and searches for someone to fix her remote.  

I dread the day when she can't find anyone in the house to fix the remote and ventures out of  the house.  She would knock on our neighbor's door, and when it opens she will say, "My stupid remote control won't work. Can you fix it for me." Of course the remote control works fine. It's the latest in remote control technology. The problem is for the past 12 months she has not learned how to work it. The poor thing. But it's not entirely her fault. To add to the confusion, some days she thinks the remote control is the cell phone.  

Since she moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania, we had to change cable services. The new service came with an upgraded cable box with remote control. We hoped she would have learned how to operate the new remote by now, but she hasn't. It would not be so bad if she would just put the thing down and stop trying to change the channel with those busy fingers of hers.  So three or more times a day she roams the halls searching for me or Angelo to help her make her remote work. 

Without her television shows she would  resort to staring at the walls and contending with her thoughts, good or bad, and she's not ready for that. So we've tried near genius measures to address her busy fingers and the uncontrollable remote control. For example;

1. We take the remote when she's ready to retire. When she gets up to use the bathroom in the morning we turn on her TV and select her preferred channel with one of her favorite TV shows. This works fine so long as we come out of our own slumber and hear her entering the bathroom.  Of course by noon she is back to looking for her remote to change the channel. 

2. Next we tried taking the batteries out of the remote so her fingers can be as busy as they want to but they do not change the channel, turn away from the cable box, or accidentally turn the TV off. This works fine for a while but at some point she notices it's not responding when trying to change the channel and insists her remote doesn't work anymore.  

3. We even tried buying a whole season of her favorite sit com, but she eventually gets tired of watching the same season all week. That's actually a good sign. It means Mom's dementia is not advanced to the point of forgetting what she watched yesterday. 

At the end of the day, it's a good thing she wants her remote fixed. The fact that Mom is hot on the trail of  resolving the uncontrollable remote control issue indicates that much of her cognitive functions are still very much intact and active. 

So go ahead Mom, do what you must. We're here for you sweetie. Let's get that uncontrollable remote fixed.

The Case of The Missing Pajamas

 

Honestly, there are days when I must retrace my steps to nudge my brain into remembering what I went into a room to get, or what I was supposed to do. For example, on this particular day, I was certain that I placed a clean set of pajamas in the bathroom for Mom.

When I glanced into the bathroom while prepping for Mom's shower, there were no pajamas! Then I realized that Mom just came out of the bathroom, and she has the habit of taking her pajamas and tucking them away when she feels that she doesn't need them at that moment. So now the hunt is on! Nope, they're not in the laundry basket of freshly laundered clothes. Nope, not in her dresser drawers. Nada, not in her closet. Negative, not in my closet. Now that leads me to look in the bathroom storage areas:cabinet, under the sink, in the tub, and in the dirty clothes hamper. Nothing, nill, zilch! Not there either. So I ask Mom if she saw her PJs and as no surprise to me she replied, “You gave me pajamas?” I answered, “No Ma’am, they were in the bathroom. Did you see them?” “No, I haven’t seen any pajamas.”

I decided to get off this spinning hamster wheel and just pick out another set of sleepwear. I'll give up the hunt for the missing pajamas for now. Later that evening, while collecting trash I noticed the unusual weight of the bathroom waste basket. I looked inside and there at the very bottom were the missing pajamas! "How in the world did they get in there?" I asked shaking my head. Well, I guess Mom thought that she no longer needed them.